Sometimes I Cry Too, Guys

No celebrity is super human. I mean, gossip magazines wouldn’t be making a bazillion dollars in leaked tapes and photographs if that was the case. Before I became a blogger myself, I used to think that the bloggers I looked up to were super human. I trusted them as my mentors and my icons and my hope for a better gluten-free future for myself. It seemed like they knew exactly what to do in every scenario and had a real badass-hold on what being gluten-free was all about.

And then for some reason I became one myself. I have no idea why you read my posts, but apparently a lot of you do and for that I’m thankful. I get a little teary-eyed when you write me and tell me that you’re thankful that I wrote XYZ or that you found me because you felt alone or that no one understood what you were going through. It’s the best part of my day when I get a message from you – you help keep the smile on my face 24/7 (unless I run out of brownie mix, then no one can save me). But I’m here to say that I’m not super human, not by any means. I write about a lot of personal stuff on here, but I want you guys to know that I’m still learning, still struggling, right along with you. I mean, that’s why we’re here, right?

I’ve had a particularly hard week.

I was glutened sometime before the GFAF Expo in San Fran. I started developing symptoms a few days into the expo and I tried with all my might to recall where the Hell I had gluten. Was it Chipotle? I thought I told them to change gloves and get new ingredients? Was it a new cookie I tried? Was something made on shared equipment that I didn’t know about? You know the drill, we’ve all gone through it a million times.

I started feeling like dog crap and developing my usual giant ulcers inside my mouth (slightly different than the run-of-the-mill canker sores you get if you bite your lip). Mine can be dime-sized and don’t allow me to talk or to eat for weeks at a time (yay liquid diet?). I haven’t been able to eat well, or even talk well and every time I open my mouth I’m in pain. Luckily I don’t have any gastro symptoms, but man, does it bum me out. I’ve been nursing my sores with some miracle mouthwash (a combination on benadryl, maloxx, and lidocaine). I’ve been such a sassy pants to Non-GFBF and just a pain to be with. I just sit in bed and night and roll my eyes in the dark and say “seriously celiac?!?!? whyyyyyyy?”

Yesterday, I ate s*** and slipped in a rare puddle of rain on my concrete patio and landed square on my bum bum, left wrist, and right ulna and both knees (yes, the one I had surgery on too). My automatic reaction was “don’t cry, just move around and see if anything is poking out of the skin.” I stripped down in the rain and saw that nothing was sticking out where it shouldn’t be. I was already bruised and there was a scary lump growing already on my forearm where I put my entire body weight between it and the sidewalk. Now, being a brittle-boned Celiac – I went to the doctor and said “hey doc, this shouldn’t look like this – right?” And no, no it isn’t supposed to look like that. Luckily, it wasn’t broken, but I spent most of the day crying and feeling sorry for my brittle body that felt like it had been run over by a truck. Literally everything hurts, down to the joints in my fingers as I’m typing this. Today it feels like I completed an Ironman. I need Advil – stat!

I guess I’m writing this to tell you that even someone who is supposed to be an advocate – someone who is supposed to represent the needs and wants of a community, STILL STRUGGLES with what this disease does to your body. You are never alone out there – we all have our off days, and that’s okay. You’re allowed to cry. You’re allowed to be mad. You’re allowed to swear and rant about it on Facebook. You’re allowed to post on our wall and say “ARGH NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME AND IF I SEE ANOTHER GIRL SCOUT COOKIE I’M GONNA SCREAM.” Because, you know – that’s probably how I feel too.

Comments: 15

  1. Rebecca February 21, 2013 at 9:52 am Reply

    I too get caught up in gluten at times. It happens to the best of us as soon as we let our guard down!

  2. Chrissy February 21, 2013 at 9:53 am Reply

    Confession time! Today working out today I cried for a solid 10 minutes. It was a cycle if crying and being angry. It happens to us all.

    Huge hugs! Chin up beautiful buck-a-roo 🙂 xoxo

  3. Chrissy February 21, 2013 at 9:54 am Reply

    Oops I meant “today while working out” not “today working out today” awesome grammer glam!

  4. Gluten Dude February 21, 2013 at 9:58 am Reply

    Very open and honest Erica…well done. Sorry you had such a tough week. Sometimes, the gluten gods just rain upon us. Hang in there.

  5. Melanie February 21, 2013 at 10:05 am Reply

    Very well said! I’ve recently started my own blog, and you are a true inspiration to me. Thank you for always being there…and helping us Celiacs stick together!

  6. Melanie February 21, 2013 at 10:05 am Reply

    P. S. Hope you feel better ASAP!

  7. Wendy February 21, 2013 at 10:18 am Reply

    It’s not possible for us to be a Superhero when gluten is everywhere. Hugs to you girl. Hopefully you will feel better soon. Just know you are not alone. I try to think about what Chrissy would do sometimes when I am eating out. I think Chrissy wouldn’t be eating here! 🙂 Lol. I’ve been trying to do my own eats – it’s really the only way I really feel good. I wish we could depend on Restaurants to get it right.

    Rest and relax – glad you did not break anything!

  8. Alissa February 21, 2013 at 10:25 am Reply

    Hugs to you! And getting glutened doesn’t make you less of an advocate, doll. You do such great work for all of us:) Feel better soon!

  9. Ashley February 21, 2013 at 10:29 am Reply

    <3 I kicked that puddles butt for you yesterday. It's so hard some times, but we have such a good support system! You have people that care about you. so *itch* away about being a celiac, because we know EXACTLY what you are dealing with 🙂

  10. Kim February 21, 2013 at 11:04 am Reply

    Hope you feel better soon, I cry at least once a week, saying why me? my hardest thing to overcome is the fatigue, before I was diagnosed with Celiac, I used to have sooo much energy, I was exercising every day. Now all I want to do is sleep. I force myself to exercise at least 3 times aweek and I really have to push myself to do it.

  11. Heather February 21, 2013 at 11:40 am Reply

    Hang in there Erica. I’m still regrouping & feeling halfway human after a SEVERE GLUTENING from eating P.F.Chang ‘s last week. The kicker ; I ate it 3 days in a row before the full effects set in. Friday through Sunday. By the time I got to work Tuesday morning, I literally had to move my boss aside to make it to the bathroom! Gross, but let’s just say both ends exploded! Its been a physical and emotional roller coaster. Mad, sad, lonely, PISSED! And I had been so excited about eating at Chang ‘s numerous times and feeling great! Been basically on liquid diet. Thanks for your blog. And you! It’ll get better! It has to! Lv to u!

  12. Heather February 21, 2013 at 11:48 am Reply

    Hang in there Erica! It’ll get better! It has too! Celiacs like me need Celiacs like you. You make my life easier. P.S. Got GLUTENED at P.F. Chang ‘s last week! Worst reaction I’ve ever had. Still recouping! (Been near two weeks of physical and emotional roller coaster. Liquid diet, start all over, blah, blah. Be well soon! Take it easy!

  13. Jennifer Mathews February 21, 2013 at 12:32 pm Reply

    Love you girl! I hope you get better soon =)

  14. Molly February 22, 2013 at 6:25 am Reply

    Even Superman had his kryptonite (sure, much rarer in our world than gluten, but still)! Thanks for this great post and I hope you feel better.

  15. Amanda February 22, 2013 at 10:18 am Reply

    No one expects you to never get glutened, especially if you’re still living life and going out. It’s a scary, gluten-filled world out there! I hope you feel better soon.

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